Graduation Message

I’m a divorce lawyer. At times,I feel as if I’ve heard and seen it all. But ten years ago,a woman walked into my office with a whole new agenda, and neither my life nor my practice has been the same since.

Her name was Barbara, and as she was shown to my office, wearing a rather”plain Jane” outfit,! guessed her to be about nineteen and fairly innocent.

I was wrong. She was thirty-two, with four children be-tween the ages of three and nine. I’ve heard many brutal stories, but the physical,mental Links Of London and sexual abuse that Barbara had suffered at the hands of her husband made me sick to my stomach.

Yet she finished a description of her circumstances by saying, “Mr. Concolino,you know,it isn’t all his fault. My children and I have remained in this situation by my choice;! take responsibility for that. I’ve known the end to my suffer¬ing would come only when I decided I’d suffered enough,and I’ve made that decision. I’m breaking the cycle. “

I’d been practicing law for fifteen years at that point,and I’ve got to admit that in my head,I was getting great plea-sure from thoughts of nailing that guy to the wall.

“Do you believe in forgiveness,Mr. Concolino?”she asked.

“Yes, of course,” I said. “I believe what goes around comes around,and if we try to do the right thing,good comes back to us. The clients of mine who have withheld forgiveness have withheld it only from themselves.

Those words were so common for me that they practically spoke themselves. And yet,if anyone had cause to be full of rage,Barbara did.

“I believe in forgiveness,too,” she said quietly. “I believe that if I hold on to anger at my husband,it will only fuel the fire of conflict, and my children are the ones who will get burned. “
She gave a tremulous smile. “The problem is,kids are very smart. They can tell if I haven’t truly forgiven their dad…if I am just saying words. So I have to really release my anger.

“And here is where I need a favor from you. “

I leaned forward across my desk.

“I don’t want this divorce to be bitter. I don’t want all the blame put onto him. The thing I most want is to truly forgive him,and to have both you and me conduct ourselves ac-cordingly. ” She paused and looked me in the eye. “And I want you to promise to hold me to this. “

I’ve got to say,this request was against my best lawyerly business advice. But it fit my best human advice, hand in glove.

“I’ll do my best,” I said.

It wasn’t easy. Barbara’s husband had no interest in taking the high road. The next decade was marked with his ugly character assassinations of her and repeated periods of non-payment of child support. There were even times she could have had him thrown in jail, but she never would.
After yet another court session that went in her favor,she caught me in a corridor. “You’ve kept your promise, Bob,” she said, and she laughed. “I admit that there have been times I’ve wanted to curse you for making me stick to my beliefs. I still wonder sometimes if it’s been worth it. But thanks. “

I knew what she meant. In my opinion,her ex continued to violate normal standards of decency. Yet she had never responded in kind.

Barbara ultimately found and married the love of her life. Although matters were settled legally?I always enjoyed getting her Christmas card, hearing how the family was doing.

Then one day I received a call. “Bob ,it’s Barbara. I need to come in and show you something. “
“Of course,”! said.

Now whatl I thought. How Long is this guy going to keep at thisl How long before she finally cracks,The woman who walked into my office Links London was lovely and poised, full of so much more confidence than she had possessed ten years earlier. There even seemed to be a bounce to her step.

As I stood to greet her,she handed me a photo —an eight-by-ten taken during her oldest son’s senior year in high school. John was wearing his football uniform; his father stood to his left rigidly and coldly. The boy himself was looking proudly at his mom,who stood close to him,a warm smile on her face. I knew from her Christmas letters that he had graduated from a very well-respected private high school.